The Tables Are Turned
by xXThe mirror tells me LIESXx
Summary: just an idea I came up with awhile ago. crack story, enjoy.


**The tables are turned**

_(A.N.) this is an idea I had for a while, it starts out somewhat serious then turns into some light crack. I'm still working on my Haruhi and Evangelion fic, but I wrote this a while ago so I thought I'd share. Rated M to be safe and shit._

"Alright brigade! We're going to build a roller coaster and charge people money to ride it!"

Haruhi announced as she slammed her fist on the desk for emphasis.

I of course sighed. Looking up from a game of monopoly with Koizumi and Mikuru, yeah we ran out of games to play, I expressed my feelings in the only way I knew how.

"That is the _dumbest_ thing I've ever heard! You're losing it, Haruhi."

what are we going to make it out of? Rubber bands and glue? I can already smell a lawsuit.

"Well... I thought it was pretty cool..." Haruhi said, slumping back in her seat, defeated.

"For once I agree with Kyon"

About time you ass kisser.

"People could get seriously hurt, but your heart is in the right place, Miss Suzumiya."

Never mind. Why I am I surrounded by idiots?

"I suggest we charge money for Kyon to give people piggy back rides! I find that Kyon has a strong back, as he usually carries everything for us." he said, jokingly.

You better be joking or You'll find the back of my hand very displeasing.

Haruhi sighed. Join the club, oh wait you're in it, you freaking made it!

"Things are just so slow lately."

For once I felt bad for her, she must be bored out of her skull.

"What do you propose we do, Kyon?" Koizumi asked as I landed my battleship piece on one of his many properties and had to pay up fifty bucks. He has half the freaking board! It figures, the most annoying _person_ ever is a wiz at the most annoying _game_ ever.

I thought about it, I know I usually give off the impression that I don't like Haruhi, but I wanted to do something nice for her. I don't hate her at all, on the contrary I kind of like her, She's just annoying is all.

"Hmm, well as much as I hate to admit it, Koizumi is a good looking guy..." I thought aloud, trying to come up with an idea.

A silly grin came across his face.

"Well Kyon, I didn't know you cared!"

Ga no! that's not what I meant!

Glaring at him, I finished my idea,

"And we could rent him out to desperate girls who really need some company."

Koizumi frowned and went back to the game,

"Oh... I see."

Haruhi burst out laughing.

"That's even dumber than my idea!" She said, wiping a tear from her eye.

Koizumi nervously tapped his fingers on the table,

"Well I think it's an excellent idea, Kyon! When can we get started?" he said, wincing slightly.

"Wait, you want to be whored out to really desperate girls?" Haruhi asked, ready to bitch-slap him into oblivion.

I guess I don't want him to go to an early grave, so I intervened,

"I was just thinking like dates and stuff, you know, make some girls happy."

Haruhi lowered her pimp hand, that's right I said it!

"Well I guess it's an ok idea, that still makes him a whore if we're charging people for it though..."

Says the girl who made the computer club president grope miss Asahina and took pictures.

Miss Asahina moved her dog figurine across the board six paces and bought oriental avenue.

Ha, that's funny because we're in Japan.

"Miss Tsuruya is really desperate! And she has lots of money!" Mikuru said, ever so adorably.

Tsuruya is desperate? I wonder why? That was sarcasm, by the way.

"Tsuruya?" Haruhi asked, looking up from her computer.

A wicked grin came across my face.

"Yeah Koizumi, how about a date with Tsuruya?" I asked, grinning maniacally.

Koizumi's eye began to twitch,

"Oh... Miss Tsuruya is... charming... I would be... honored"

Why is he going along with this? Something weird is going on.

"Then it's settled!" Haruhi exclaimed. Man she's getting really excited about this.

~ZOMGLINEBREAK!~

I'm surprised Tsuruya actually agreed to this. Well maybe not, I've heard she's pretty eccentric. We set up the date In a nice restaurant, which Tsuruya payed extra for. Heh heh heh, I'm so evil sometimes.

I didn't even mind sitting across from Haruhi, Hell I didn't mind paying for our meals! Any chance to make Koizumi squirm is worth it. Even if I have to put up with this 'date' Haruhi insisted we go on to watch them.

"So Kyon... what do you think of my dress? Pretty alluring huh?" Haruhi asked, batting her eyes at me and gesturing to her new dress. It was a tight fitting yellow dress that came down to her shins, with a matching yellow choker. Am I sensing a pattern here? I think I know your favorite color.

Wait is she coming on to me? We have no common ground!

"Uh... yeah, it's pretty hot..." I said, trying not to piss her off. I failed miserably.

She kicked my shin from under the table.

That hurts dammit!

"That is no way to treat a lady!"

I nursed my shin, damn you kick like a football player!

"...Sorry" I offered, sneaking a glance at Koizumi a few tables away.

Oh yeah, he hates this.

"Now, what do you think of my dress?"

Damn you Haruhi!

What would Koizumi say?

"I think it looks quite lovely on you, it accents your curves quite gracefully" I said with a fake smile.

Hey this isn't hard to do. I have to admit, Haruhi did look pretty good in that dress.

Seeming satisfied, she smiled and took a bite of her steak.

"That's more like it"

I listened in on Koizumi and Tsuruya.

"So like, how come you never dated before nyoro~?"

Her voice is so annoying, it drives needles through my mind! I almost feel bad for him, almost.

"Ah well... you see..." he thought for a moment and came up with a lie, "I haven't found the right girl! Yeah... that's it..."

I am in awe at his restraint to not stab her with that steak knife right on the spot.

I heard a giggle come from Haruhi.

You're enjoying this too, aren't you?

"Something funny?" I asked her with a grin.

She took a sip of her tea, "I just like seeing Koizumi squirm, he's such a yes man, it gets really old."

We do have common ground! I think I should reevaluate our relationship, I think I'm falling for her.

Wow, that's the last thing I ever expected.

"Thank you! Don't you just hate that?" I asked, my grin getting even bigger.

"Yeah! It's so annoying! "_Why miss Suzumiya, I think that's an excellent idea!_'" she said, only lowering her voice slightly to imitate the effeminate esper.

We both laughed at her dead on impression.

"You know, Haruhi, You're not half bad"

She smiled that million watt smile that I normally hate, but now it looks really good on her.

"You're not to bad yourself, Kyon. I had you all wrong"

Koizumi squirming, Haruhi agreeing with me and compliments too? I must have died and gone to heaven.

"Thanks" I said with a slight blush. This is getting awkward, time to eavesdrop!

"So I told her we can both have the smoked cheese!"

"Well that was an excellent idea!" Koizumi replied, he was having a hard time keeping his cool. Hell, his eye was twitching faster than earlier! I love this.

"Something wrong with your eye?" she asked, worried.

"Ah... no. It does that sometimes"

"You should like, totally get that looked at, nyoro~!"

Haruhi and I tried our best not to burst out laughing.

~ZOMGLINEBREAK!~

I walked Haruhi home after our 'date'. She's really nice when you're annoyed at the same things.

"So you have a good time?" I asked as I walked her to the door.

"Are you kidding! I can't wait to see how many girls we can go through before Koizumi breaks!" she said jokingly.

I hope she's joking, as much as I dislike Koizumi I don't want him to lose his mind.

I waited for her to unlock the door before I left.

"Hey! Where are you going?" she asked, annoyed.

"Uh, home?"

duh.

"Don't you think it's proper to give a lady a kiss before she goes inside?"

Uh... don't you think you're moving too fast?

She raised her eyebrow and grabbed my tie. Angrily she yelled, "Get over here!" like scorpion from mortal combat.

Oh god!

She suffocated me with her face. Is that you're tongue? stop that! Eh what the hell, I kissed back with enough passion to match hers. What? She's really good looking! And nice once you get to know her.

We broke apart finally. Sweet air!

She nibbled on her finger, looking at me. Uh-oh I think she has an idea.

"You know... my parents aren't going to be home until Friday... why don't you come in?" she asked seductively.

Haruhi I don't think that's a good- oh god my neck!

She grabbed me by the tie and pulled me in.

the events that followed will not be shared because I don't want you pervs knowing the details my sex life!

~ZOMG ONE KINKY SEX SCENE LATER!~

After hours of furious lovemaking, I limped out the front door with my clothes wrinkled and my tie loose, and grabbed on to a beam for support on the porch.

At the door she winked at me, "Come back any time!"

Yeah sure, give me a week to recuperate from that. Suddenly the hill to school looked like a piece of cake. A less sexy piece of cake, mind you!

"Oh you know it" I rasped out, trying to catch my breath. She slammed the door and I walked home. I had hobbled halfway across the block when I met up with Koizumi.

"Oh hey Koizumi, Stalking Haruhi?"

He looked down nervously.

"Uh... no I don't do that, I was just... passing through"

Of course you are.

"Sure whatever, can I ask you a question?"

he smiled weakly,

"I don't see why not"

"Why are you agreeing with me lately instead of Haruhi?"

"Huh? Oh no reason..."

"What did I get Haruhi's powers or something? I joked.

He went silent.

"Koizumi, is there something you want to tell me?"

"No! That's just silly!" he said, scratching the back of his head.

Damn this is bad, I think I was right. Well I guess I can take advantage of this. Oh yeah, oh hell yeah!

"Tell me the truth or I'll make you date Tsuruya permanently!"

with a yelp he he got on his knees and cried, "Oh mighty Kyon! Please don't destroy us!"

Poor Koizumi, I _guess_ I could take mercy on him.

"So I have her powers huh? Well I'm a bit more stable don't you think?"

"Yes! Yes, you are very stable!" He said, Damn I could get used to this.

"Fine, fine I won't do anything, you don't have to bow" I said, helping him up.

"Thank you!" he cried

"Just act normal alright? You're starting to creep me out"

"I apologize"

"So, are you worried I'm going to abuse my power or something?"

"Oh... I'm sure you're very wise and honorable, Kyon..."

I sighed

"Alright, don't worry. I promise I won't abuse my power."

~ZOMG TWO WEEKS LATER!~

I sat in my usual seat in the brigade clubroom, and Haruhi was out getting some new costumes for Mikuru. I had suggested an Eva pilot. What? Like _you_ don't want to see Mikuru in a skin tight plug-suit. ...Don't lie! I know where you live...

Well, since Haruhi will be gone for a while, I think it's time to quell some boredom, I had agreed with Koizumi not to ever demonstrate my powers in front of her in the case that Haruhi gets them back somehow. That would be a nightmare.

I clapped my hands twice, "Koizumi! My feet are tired!"

"Yes Mr. Kyon!" he said as he got on all fours and crawled in front of me. Resting my feet on his back, I breathed in and out deeply. This is the life. What? There aren't any celestials running amok in _my_ closed spaces, so I think i'm going pretty easy on him.

"Mikuru, as always, your tea is excellent!" I said, praising Mikuru on her amazing tea brewing abilities.

"Thank you Kyon!" she said cheerfully as she sat down.

"Oh Mikuru... your feet must be _awfully_ tired after making all that wonderful tea! Wouldn't you like to have a foot stool?" I asked.

"Oh no, that's ok Kyon" she said, aw she's so sweet that she doesn't want to take advantage of Koizumi!

"Oh I'm sure Koizumi won't mind!" I said smiling.

"Isn't that right Koizumi?"

"Ah, well, my back is pretty tired-"

"-isn't it!"

"Yes of course Mr. Kyon!" he said, that plastic grin on his face. It's not so bad, now that I can get him to frown now and then. I am very inventive these days.

He crawled directly under the table so that both of us could enjoy our personal footrest.

But yet, I'm still bored. Hmm...

"Nagato?"

"Yes?" She said, looking up from one of her many books.

"I'm bored, juggle for me!"

"Yes" she said simply.

I am freaking loving this! Although she would probably juggle for me if I didn't have powers anyway.

Nagato picked up Haruhi's paperweight, a book and a teacup and began juggling.

I watched her for a few minutes.

"Mikuru say a swear word!"

She blushed and played with her hands.

"But I don't like to say those things..."

"Come on Mikuru! Be a _bad girl_ for once! It'll be fun!" I goaded her.

"Well I..."

"Come on! Nobody will think differently of you!"

"S-shit!" she cried out.

Is there anything you can't make adorable?

I had another idea in my head.

"Koizumi!"

Yes Mr. Kyon?" he said, understandably full of fear.

"Don't you think It's awful for Mikuru to have to wear that maid outfit all the time? It must be embarrassing!" I said, with a wicked smile.

"Yes, of course! Very awful!" he agreed instantly.

"Um... Kyon..." Mikuru nervously said.

Not now Mikuru!

"Don't you think it would make her feel better if she weren't the only one?" I asked, milking this situation for every thing I could.

I think he's catching on, because a look of fear crossed his face.

"Um... yes?" he asked, getting up.

"Excellent! You should wear it too!"

He looked like he was about to cry, then smiled that fake smile of his.

"Of course Mr. Kyon!"

He took the maid outfit off the rack and got into it immediately.

He sat down next to a giggling Mikuru as the door flew open.

"Mikuru~ I got your new plug suit! I didn't know what color you'd like so I got you- Koizumi, why are you wearing the maid outfit?"

Haruhi asked, dropping her shopping bag.

I intervened yet again on his behalf. Heh heh, Koizumi why do you get yourself into these situations? Don't answer that!

"Oh, Koizumi thought it would be hilarious!" I said, trying not to laugh my ass off.

Haruhi eyed him curiously.

Koizumi smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm told I have a strange sense of Humor!" he said with fake cheer.

Hey that's getting infectious.

"Um... yeah..." Haruhi said as she picked up her bag and placed it on the table.

"I knew there was something off with him..." she muttered

"Alright guys, scram! Mikuru's got a new outfit to wear!"

"Haruhi." I said to get her attention.

"Yes my sexy man-slave?" she asked dreamily.

I never get tired of hearing that.

"Why don't you let Mikuru dress herself for once? I'm sure she would appreciate it"

"No way!"

I scowled at Koizumi.

"Ms. Suzumiya, I think it would be nice for a change" he said, disagreeing with her for the 30th time this week.

Did I mention how much I love this?

"...Fine. But you guys get out!"

We left quietly and waited in the hallway, inside I could still hear their voices.

"...Nagato, why are you juggling?"

"...I felt like it"

"Whatever"

we waited for a few minutes and Taniguchi and Kunikida passed by. Once they caught sight of Koizumi, they laughed hysterically.

It even made him blush!

"Koizumi, man why are you wearing that?"

I came to his rescue _again!_ What good are minions if they have a mental breakdown?

"He lost a bet with Haruhi" I said with a smug grin.

Satisfied with my answer, they walked off, still laughing like maniacs.

After a few minutes Haruhi called us back in.

Walking in, Koizumi and I were greeted with the sight of Mikuru's ever so lovely curves.

Must. Stop. Nosebleed!

Koizumi wasn't faring much better, he had blood running down like a waterfall.

Huh, I could have sworn he was gay.

"So what do you think Kyon? Would you tap that?" Haruhi asked proudly.

Poor Mikuru looked like she was about to cry.

"It looks great on her Haruhi, You did a great job! I think red is definitely her color."

Haruhi beamed at me and we took our seats.

I spent the rest of the day sneaking glances at Mikuru. Damn she's cute! She even had the little red NERV clips in her hair!

~ZOMG AFTER SCHOOL!~

I walked home with a sense of accomplishment, and a smile on my face.

It's not every day you get to see a gorgeous young lady like Miss Asahina in something skin-tight, or get to make someone who annoys the hell out of you to wear a maid outfit. I watched Nagato walk away, she was _still_ juggling, although she did put the paperweight back, so It's all good.

I was half way home when I was confronted by Koizumi holding a baseball bat.

"What's the bat for?" I asked curiously.

Koizumi smiled a wicked grin, not his normal fake smile,

"Well, you see Kyon, I got some _very_ interesting news today, care to hear about it?"

I'm starting to get _very_ nervous with this guy.

"Uh... sure. What happened?" I asked.

"Haruhi has her powers back. Isn't that _Interesting_?"

I took a few steps back

"H-hey, Koizumi, no hard feelings right?"

"You made me wear a dress, you bastard!" he screamed as he raised the bat.

I ran like a bat out of hell as he gave chase.

"I'll kill you, Kyon!" he screamed after me.

I regret nothing! For I lived the dream few men dare to dream!

~ZOMG THE END!~


End file.
